missin my lover

i lo*ve Ssage Franciiiis

You dance
around me like a fire
blow me out
When I send you love
poems in the form of
smoke signals

i work too much

sleeeeeepy

but hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

feelin kinda like bonnie n clyde

a lil
sad

a bit happy


confuzzled

sure


awake

i've never hated money so much

can't seem to stay content lately

i'm tired of the cold too

cuddles aren't enough to keep the weather from

chilling my spine

blanket weather

i cloak my feelings

unwanted

Drive

feelin low
hope it's just a phase
but i'm feeling like
theres no one driving this train
like my inner drive has run away
and left me dizzy
confused
no direction
guided by misdirectionR

♥

September - A BLUR

October - Almost Through (time slips away)


Tonight -

Your Words...
Wet Leaves are Slippery.
Well, it May be fall...
But I don't plan on slipping up.
My devotion to you...
so true - pure - pristine

I don't Plan to leave

your side
next to you...
i feel like i belong.

belong next to you

your
words

This Weekend was nice.
Enjoyable.
did a bit of yelling though - there was some stress invoved - but nothing that couldn't be gotten over quickly -

poor Kurt (my 4 yr old cousin) - he asked my parents why i don't love him anymore - so sad - i need to pick him up from school sometime this week or something - i've been neglecting my need to be with him.

i saw a few meteors - they were streaky - hadn't been able to watch the sky for as long as i would have liked. got pulled over - my lisence plate lights out again! - this happened just a few months ago!

i'm glad andy is so cool.

ChaiPerseid Happiness

Update...
New Chick was Fired
Made up with Laura
Bought the Argile Wedges
Fell in Love
(not in that order)

I've been drinking a lot of Back Chai Tea. I enjoyed the Chai Latte back in the day - when the fat content of cream wasn't an issue that bothered me. I allways felt that adding milk to tea was odd. Adding a bit of milk and a touch of sugar to the Chai - MmmmMmm - Love It! - My latest Indulgence.

I'm Psyched to see the PERSEIDS on Saturday Night - also Miss Hope's 21st Birthday! Goin out to the field to star gaze up at 37 Sunset Rd. Should be quite nice!

On another note - why does everyone have to be so pissed to see me happy?

DramaSomber CheezEmo

The New Chick at work is pretty chill - we mesh pretty well. I asked about her music taste - and all she told me was MUSE, so i'm doing some research to see what they're all about. Listening - reminds me (i don't want to say it) of Radiohead - but with a more somber note - and a bit more (too) dramatic (and a bit cheesy). Not something that I hate though - I'll say that it's REALLY Well Orchistrated. Nice Sleeping music - but a lil too creepy to rock on the way to the beach or something. Contemplating burning some to play at work on Sunday - but I'm afraid that it might creep out the customers.

"Citizen Erased"
Break me in,
Teach us to cheat
And to lie, cover up
What shouldn't be shared?
All the truth unwinding
Scraping away At my mind
Please stop asking me to describe him
For one moment

I wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at allOpen minded
I'm sure I used to be so free
Self expressed, exhausting for all
To see and to be
What you want and what you need
The truth unwinding
Scraping away At my mind
Please stop asking me to describe
For one momentI wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at all
Open minded
I'm sure I used to be so free

For one moment
I wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at all
Open minded
I'm sure I used to be so free
Wash me away
Clean your body of me
Erase all the memories
They will only bring us pain
And I've seen all I'll ever need


Yeah, it's pretty EMO.

On a more interesting note...
Also, I came accross a nice website that
allowed me to "create my own newspaper"
www.crayon.net - I created The Lovely Miss Mandy Gazette.
Great Place to find info and also a few laughs!
I reccommend making one!

Andy Squares

Had a strange dream last night. The setting was a generic social gathering, a party of sorts - and there were various scenerios played out throughout - of which none so worth mentioning as the image of the ex in this dream. So, I spoke with Andy inside - as I was about to leave (because it had began to snow - i felt this very real sence of nerves about driving - this irrelivent, of course) - I told andy to meet me outside so that we could say goodbye. I wandered through the sea of people, said various goodbyes to nameless faces - and found my belongings (my pocketbook) - and once again found andy - this time his hair different. He and I headed outside - down a set of stairs (well - it was vague) - and upon reaching the out of doors, I saw a figure standing outside. While approaching him - my friend had waited for me in the shadow of a tree - The figure that was standing outsie Andy (the one that I had asked to wait outside for me). He and I exchanged some very heartfelt hugs - much like the ones we had exchanged the other night - with the squeezing, the longevity, the (vibes-energy) feelings - the overwealming sence that what we had for 3 years is gone, though we long for it, that is something neither here nor there, and will not be revisited. After quite awhile, I headed back to the figure near the tree in the shadows, and he and I headed toward my car - Friends.

I've never had a dream before where there were two of one person - an odd concept - but in ths scenario - it makes sence at this point in my life. That I have said my goodbyes with the affectionate - deep feeling part of our relationship, and have replaced it with something entirely different. It's a nice metaphor because he is - now to me - an entirely different figure in my life - he plays a very differnt role - and is almost an entirely diferent person altogether.

I'm glad that he and I can be in each other's lives as friends. Niiice dream too!

Sraggle Bottomed

The weather was great this weeked, loved it Much! Did the Wachusett Chilli Fest with the Lamberts. Hot day, Saturday but a nice breeze. Deborah won 3rd place for her hot, hot, burning fire chilli. she's bringing back the trophy on the right. Me n the Girlies on the sky ride - we had to jump a couple feet to get up there - bringing lil Gianna into the picture was quite the feat. I can't do babies, i realise. It's hard for me to just talk to them, i feel weird doing it. which is strange cuz i talk to trees n shit - the occasional thank you for a helping hand deal. well -i guess it's different. i just cant be all goo goo and gah gah.
I got my hair trimmed a bit, was looking kinda straggle - bottomed. Now it's soft. Mmm, yup.
Hiked on Sunday Mornign - was supposed to go with Lyter, but he ended up hung over in Clinton - he said he'd come down but i wanted to get there early. So went with Aaron, we got there at like quarter of 8 - and there was no guy in the booth - so i took some old tickets and threw em on my dash along with $6. so that the people would know that i intended to pay. NOt bad - ended up with a lil laminated note in the crack of my door - saying to pay at the booth on my way out. Yeh, no tow job or anything - i wasn't worried though.
Peeeeerfect day for a hike! Gorgeous out - not too humid - nice breeze. Perfect. I was definitly more easily winded than he was - but it was decent - i need a challenge once in awhile.
Some where near Blueberry Grove.
Relaxed Sunday.
Breathe Deep.
i'm kind of scared,
a little anxious...
a bit reserved.

a step on is a step in

Loren and His PC's Guts

Nope, not a Chillum (straight piece) MmmHmm, it's something muuuuch hotter. *wink* Glass could be fun! so - jon was fired today - it's just not right! who else can i ask about fretless upright bass and listen to modest mouse with? i guess all uprights are fretless, so that was a redundant statement. guy owes me $12 too. i'll never find out how the boston trip went - it's so strange.
Talked to Jennica about the guy who Andy and I met from Westminster who has a glass blowing lab in his basement. he was going to make a bead for andy's dredlock - i left the "a" out of that one. i always use those things as bookmarks - i guess it weirds people out at the pool - strange wad of hair. been in baldwinville a bit lately - and chilling with the ex a bit more than usual - b/c he's the closest thing i have to a friend these days.It's been Real though - he's toooo into "the new deal" sick of hearing it - telling andy "turn off the spaceships " sounds like alien abduction music - i guess it's good because it's like techno but not synth - so it's instrumental morse code Mars shit. I, on the other hand have been embracing my "Soul Coughing" disk. MmmMmmm Yesssss. I can't find a New Deal poster for his b-day, bob marley it is! Hah. *Marley's upthere all like "LOL"* YEAH. So, Lyter cut his hair off - it was prolly 3 years in the making. Showed me his burned part-line from when he had hair - hah! said he's putting spf on the dome for a few days. He invited me to hike monmandynock with him and hs new wifey (andreas sister) this sunday - so i'm pretty stoked about that. I know he must be jealous of Tina's hemp belt - irreguardless his hemp steiner is coming along nicely.
Loren would be pleased to know that the Guinness Widget is on file at Wikipedia! I'll have to drop this useless one; it was invented by Alan Forage and William Byrne! Loren had the computer all torn apart - installing a disk drive - a program called Reason - and wireless internet deal. i've never seen that shit before - computer all torn apart - wires amassed - strange. Aaaaah Loren. Loren, Loren. Yeh.

July 27 thoughts

jon is biking to boston tommorow - strange 60+ mile run - i can't imagine being that extreme. i'm thinking about new shoes, theyre argile wedges - wish i hadn't lost those cranberry colored doc martens from years ago. hmp. i can't stop picking the scab on my right arm - i hate scars. it's inevitable at this point though. "nobody said it was easy - it's such a shame for us to part" sorry - coldplay lyrics. scatterblog. incoherent free write - sorry to anyone trying to decipher any of this jibber-baum. caught lounging at work - and i smoke too many cigarettes these days - give out far too many as well. putting quite the hurting on my wallet. i should remember that sometimes i can find $5. socks, those are better than cigs. Andy's birthday coming quickly, aug. 1st - good ole bob marley poster - yeh i get him some bob marley shit every year. by now he knows it won't be a surprise - some things need to be predictable in order to feel a sence of concreteness in a world so lucid. Laura's birthday soon - not sure about that situation - ugh! yeah new topic - ghio's day too - i guess i know a shitload of leo's now that i think of it. wonder if theyre compatable with virgo's - judging by the social interactions - i'd think not. But then again - my social self needs some work - fuck i'm weird! ha - at least i'm not the type who's constantly trying to impress others, or the attention stared type - and at least i've a blunt idea of what i'm not - but no distictly clear def. of who i am - what type of person i am. it's trivial. beneath the blanket i made, last night - square pusher - and things that could never be, things that can never begin - for every reason imaginable. why must i be allowed time to think things though?

minutes before I was on a mountain.
I screamed "I can see all."
The ground broke from the sound.
It was all built on nothing.
And the pretty lights down below
Begged me to just let go;


i was on a mountain
hot water music

Monday

stop